Battles Don’t Create Victors

Changing the way we do conflict

Conflict resolution is among one of the hardest concepts for humans to master. Not only is there a lot of ambiguity involved, but there’s also ego or pride that gets in the way. Our emotions tend to get the better of us, even if we think we’re not acting emotional at all. And there’s not even one of us who is masterful at conflict resolution. We can be good at it. Some of us can shape ourselves as experts or leaders in the field, but at the end of the day, we’re all just winging it. And it’s OK to admit that. We’re making up the rules as we go along and amending them as needed. But it’s not the rules we should be concerned about. It’s the relationships we damage in our selfish wake as we try to resolve conflict by declaring winners and losers.

Recently, I was reminded of this in a humbling way.

I’m a divorced father with a son. I don’t know if this is a saying, but if it isn’t, I’ll lobby for it. Break-ups are hard, divorces are messy, but co-parenting shouldn’t be impossible. The unfortunate thing is—they are more often than not. Some are more contentious than others, but others are absolutely toxic. And that’s my relationship with my son’s mother: toxic. Without going too deep into the history of our relationship, it had always been that way. At the time, I was too stupid to realize it. When it finally became clearer, pride and well-intended advice got in the way. And, as a result, resentment got in the way. And now it’s affecting our son. If you think your relationship doesn’t affect other people, you’re dead wrong. It does. Even if you don’t have kids. It affects every relationship you have and the relationships of the past shape your future. This is where we get entangled.

As we sat in our co-parenting counseling appointment, I felt the same powerlessness and frustration I felt during our marriage. It was like that at the beginning of the relationship and marriage up until I found myself in an equal-footed position and could take a stand. And once I did, I began treating her the same way I had been treated for years. And that was the absolutely wrong thing to do. But I didn’t want to do the right thing. I didn’t want to do the hard thing, which was divorce, or address the reality of a failing relationship. Each time it was brought up, I lashed out. At the time I reasoned it was because she was only trying to get what she wanted. And while that was true, it wasn’t why I lashed out. It was how I rationalized my choice. She brought up something I didn’t want to confront. Divorce was where it was always heading. And that attacked my pride, poked at my insecurities, and is now negatively affecting my son.

It is a pattern that is in desperate need of change.

The unfortunate part is I’m only half of the equation. And I realized in that session that it didn’t matter how much I had grown over the years, once we’re in the same room I always run the risk of regressing. And two things helped me get through that meeting without trying to subvert her ability to craft the narrative, which was something I was always concerned with. Those two things are the Enneagram and the Book of James chapter 1.

What I realized was I had been more concerned about my image, which is fleeting at best, rather than my soul and peace of mind. My whole marriage I had taught me to second guess myself and, if you know anything about the Enneagram, it’s not a place a type 5 wants to find themselves in. So instead of continuing to “appear weak and helpless” I postured and I leaned into the confidence of an 8, which you do as a type 5 in a growth period (even if that growth is artificial at best and a bluff at worst). Instead of just getting mad, I got both mad and even, a coping skill of an unhealthy type 8. In other counseling sessions before meeting our new counselor, I did the same. I interrupted when lies or half truths were told. I defended my honor because I felt no one else would. But the reality of it is, I don’t have to and James reminded me of that. Allowing someone to feel validated, even at the risk of a character assassination, is more important for a relationship than proving who’s right and who’s wrong. The latter only makes someone feel good in the short run.

Even though the meeting went the same as all the others, I didn’t allow her anger and resentment toward me, dictate how I reacted. James says, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” It turns out when you do, you can hear the real issues at the heart of the presenting argument. You see their Enneagram tendencies because someone who is on the defensive also trying to protect their image. They enlist their core motivations and fears. Just the same as we all do. And when you think of it like that, at least in my case, it creates the empathy needed to not worry about one’s own image. Because, as it turns out, my head was higher and my heart was lighter than it ever was when I tried to “defend my honor”. All that ever did was use a fire hose to spray kerosene on a five-alarm forest fire. I created rooted self-assurance. Not postured self-confidence, otherwise known as arrogance.

Rather than healing a relationship or trying to salvage one, I was at war, as was she (and still is, frankly). And when you’re at war, you hide the weak spots, a lesson taught to me by Suits. But all war ever does is escalate conflict rather than resolve it. It creates resentment and submission rather than peace and cooperation. And you can claim compassion all you want, if you’ve rationalized fighting the “right war”. But the truth is, none of us consider each other the enemy. If you’re spiritual or religious at all, you know that’s how the other side wins. And, even if you aren’t, any rational human being understands that all fighting does is escalate fighting. If you’re pointing guns at each other, it’s only a matter of time before someone starts shooting. Once that happens, everyone loses, even if the person still standing rationalizes them as a victor. 

What does this mean for us then? I’m not saying that you need to be Christian to understand this, though it my case it certainly helped. What I am saying is, understanding the Enneagram is what led me down this path. It didn’t just show me where my personalities leanings were, it showed me my short=comings by understanding the motivations behind my behaviors. And once you realize you can change your motivation, you see changed behavior. Weakness, as it turns out, is simply trying to appear strong. True strength is allowing yourself to appear weak, which is what Christ ultimately did. And whether you believe he was who he said he was or not, you have to admit, he went down with dignity, even if his executioners made it seem as though he was undignified. They humiliated him, which was customary in crucifixions. All because they feared Him and what his followers were doing. They felt threatened. And when the threatened feel weak, they exhibit control and power. That’s why I read James before I went in. And that’s why I believe psychology, the Enneagram, and Christianity all work together to help us become better versions of ourselves and create better relationships, even if that’s with only ourself as well.

So while the conflict still exists, I am no longer feeding into it in the same way I was. I’m not interested in fueling the fire, but rather interested in how my son views me in his older years. I’m interested in how my actions affect my relationships and am more intentional about cultivating them. It’s not about winning the argument or proving a point. It’s about leaving an impression and reminding my son he’s more important than our petty disagreements.